And out of the blue it hits you. Without warning. Though realistically, it builds up over time. Over a long period of time. There are all manners of red herrings that you ignore. You are strong and it is not killing you, so you can keep moving on.
Walk. And Keep Walking.
And then one day it all adds up, hitting you full force. Right there in the middle of strangers. When you can feel the panic rising up in you. Almost like a physicality. Stirring up from somewhere deep within, and rising slowly but surely till it has your chest in its grip. Like a sudden 'thud' and every breath a strain on your rising and falling breast.
Breathe. Keep Breathing.
It slowly rises up to your throat. And your breathing accelerates. Shallow quick breaths. Like the paucity of oxygen. You are completely in its grip. The feeling akin to disintegration. Literal and physical. You almost fear falling into pieces right there, right then. And there is nothing to hold on to. Not an iota of hope that your mind can conjure. And the panic takes over you.
Don't you shiver.
And you search your memory. For a single name. A name that will mean more than just those letters. You have to resist the attack. But you need some kind of an anchor. Your very own antibiotic. And who? Your fingers desperately search your contact list. And no matter how many times you go through it, no solution presents itself.
Close your eyes. And open them again. It will be better.
But how long does one need to hold on. What is the limit of endurance? Is one allowed the respite of breaking down? There are levels of loneliness. This is not about lost love and desperation for a relation. This is not about one man or any number of them. It is all encompassing. It is about the underlying principle- the psychological basis, the moral premise. It is about a deeper loneliness- not of the body or the heart. But of the mind. The feeling of estrangement. Antipathy that is panoptic- embracing your very own existence.
Is there anybody out there?
And you remember you have been strong for too long. Contrary to the wide spread public opinion. You ofcourse know better. Only if they understood. Only if someone understood. But they couldn't phantom your willingness to give your all. To stoop to that level. But who can envision the desperation of a lost mind- willing to strip the body and the heart for a little cognitive solace?
Sounds of silence. Listen.
The silence ringing in your ear. Emanating from your soul and circumscribing your being. Like a sacred halo protecting your fragile nerves. And your memory takes you to those nights. Another lifetime. But the blade still rests. And you remember its touch. How can one forget its caress. An existence without purpose is worse than death. Let me breath life into it again. For it shall fulfill its purpose once more. Blood after all purifies all.
Cut.
Walk. And Keep Walking.
And then one day it all adds up, hitting you full force. Right there in the middle of strangers. When you can feel the panic rising up in you. Almost like a physicality. Stirring up from somewhere deep within, and rising slowly but surely till it has your chest in its grip. Like a sudden 'thud' and every breath a strain on your rising and falling breast.
Breathe. Keep Breathing.
It slowly rises up to your throat. And your breathing accelerates. Shallow quick breaths. Like the paucity of oxygen. You are completely in its grip. The feeling akin to disintegration. Literal and physical. You almost fear falling into pieces right there, right then. And there is nothing to hold on to. Not an iota of hope that your mind can conjure. And the panic takes over you.
Don't you shiver.
And you search your memory. For a single name. A name that will mean more than just those letters. You have to resist the attack. But you need some kind of an anchor. Your very own antibiotic. And who? Your fingers desperately search your contact list. And no matter how many times you go through it, no solution presents itself.
Close your eyes. And open them again. It will be better.
But how long does one need to hold on. What is the limit of endurance? Is one allowed the respite of breaking down? There are levels of loneliness. This is not about lost love and desperation for a relation. This is not about one man or any number of them. It is all encompassing. It is about the underlying principle- the psychological basis, the moral premise. It is about a deeper loneliness- not of the body or the heart. But of the mind. The feeling of estrangement. Antipathy that is panoptic- embracing your very own existence.
Is there anybody out there?
And you remember you have been strong for too long. Contrary to the wide spread public opinion. You ofcourse know better. Only if they understood. Only if someone understood. But they couldn't phantom your willingness to give your all. To stoop to that level. But who can envision the desperation of a lost mind- willing to strip the body and the heart for a little cognitive solace?
Sounds of silence. Listen.
The silence ringing in your ear. Emanating from your soul and circumscribing your being. Like a sacred halo protecting your fragile nerves. And your memory takes you to those nights. Another lifetime. But the blade still rests. And you remember its touch. How can one forget its caress. An existence without purpose is worse than death. Let me breath life into it again. For it shall fulfill its purpose once more. Blood after all purifies all.
Cut.
