I know I have been mad. I have always been mad

This is all there is to it. Utter loneliness. For you and me. We are together only in as much we are each lonely together. That's what companions are. It's a silly, social media fuelled world about love and soul mates and being one. We did come alone. We will go alone. And it's time we learn and accept that we also live alone. With our own mind and the voices in our head to haunt us. It's time to learn to make with friends with those ghosts. They are the only ones that are here to stay.

To me and to you. But mostly to the voices in my head. 

We the dead

I grasp at the last straws. My strength fails me. The anger and frustration in my head has simply turned to bewilderment. Was this how it was to be? My end. With my body there still intact. And the lights going off in the recess of my mind slowly. While I struggle to stay awake.

They won after all. They succeeded. In destroying and sullying the sanctity of my mind. Of my values. And as the lights dim and bewilderment turns into astonishment and simply to resignation.

It was complete destruction. Death would have been better. Death would have been but a sweet escape. But alas. It's never to be.

The dying embers twinkly briefly. Before it all goes dark. What did die? - I wonder in those last brief moments. What was it that made me 'me'? But whatever it was... was gone now... There was only silence. There were no more questions. And no need for answers.

The abyss

And you fly off into the abyss-

The starlight
and the stardust.
The wisps and the songs.
Follow you-
Into the abyss

The love
and the hate.
The pains and the aches.
All dissolve-
Into the abyss

The soaring
and the falling.
The screams and the laughter.
All echoes-
Into the abyss

The shines
and the sparkles.
The blood and the sweat.
And the darkness welcomes-
Into the abyss

And hold onto to it.
Finger on your lips.
Into the abyss.
Silence.
Silence.
Into the abyss I go,
Into the abyss. 

Fence

Across the chasm we speak
and love across the canyons.
Promises we can't keep,
-the uncomprehending companions.

Separate paths we walk
of values inviolable.
Running out of small talk
& commutualities desirable.

And silently we are pulled apart
-the forces of nature.
Turning into an echo of the past,
The uncanny familiar strangers.

Lonelier still I am now
with you in my life.
Haunted by the broken vows,
the helplessness & the strife.

As I reach across with my hands,
searching through the hurt,
but lonely there I stand,
Surrounded only by a shadow of us. 

A Cold Christmas Jingle

Loneliness is not just a feeling or a circumstance but it's a part of your very being, melting into existence. Like the blood flowing through your veins. You may not notice it for long periods. But it's always lurking in the shadows. It might be advisable to have it out in the open. When it's walking step to step with you - familiar. When it can't creep up suddenly on a Friday night. When its there day and night - your solid companion every evening. A reliable shoulder to cry on. And that's not all.  You will share a few laughs too and have plenty interesting conversations. But when you put it away in some dark alley of your mind and have forgotten the cold caress of loneliness-it can be a little jolting. A stranger who has suddenly decided to pull a chair on your table and disrupt what you had thought would be a lovely joyful dinner. And then distrust and doubt hampers your feeble attempts at enjoying its company.

It's better to befriend it and always have it around, to never lose sight of it- lest it becomes an occasional but formidable foe.

And then all you can try is ridding yourself of it like the blood flowing in your veins. 

Lighthouse

It comes in waves. When was the last time you held someone and cried your heart out? Do you remember the moment? The person? How did it feel? That complete surrender and relief? It is so easy to tell oneself that you just haven't found someone worth surrendering to. But maybe all that talk about integrity and honesty and waiting for the right person is just hogwash. The truth something sadder and more pathetic. What if noone ever found YOU worthy enough to take in their arms while you let the tears lose, hold you while you ruin their shirt in tears and snob? Running noses don't always make for pretty damsels in distress afterall.

Being rejected for the upteenth time does not make you a martyr. It just makes your existence a little more miserable and pitiful.  All those moving- "strong and bold and independent", statements are nothing but moonshine. Because how many evenings will one spend alone writing attention-seeking-grovelling-pitiful-articles-about-love-and-loss?

Maybe the waves in me are just responding to the full moon tonight. Just a shout out to all the mad and the sad. Because sometimes that is the only thing you can do. An art you perfect- silently screaming as waves and waves of tears crush you from inside-out, while your pen moves flawlessly, calm and composed.

Two

He held her-
broken smiles, love, flaws & daze.
Looking into her eyes,
spy the sadness under the surface.

A thousand emotions spoken
through the silence of his embrace.
The two of them-
in a circle of grief and solace.

Enveloped together,
Both the source & the object too.
If you must go,
Come back soon.

He abandoned her-
fixation, love, obstinacy and vex.
Reading between her lines,
spy the conceit in the text.

A thousand emotions spoken
through the indifference of his affray
Just the one of her-
in a circle of disillusionment and dismay.

Enveloped alone,
Both the source & the object.
If you must go,
There is no coming back.